Yes I post a lot on PRE OP weeks......

When I get nervous and anxious my mind start running wild and I cannot sleep... I write. So here I am ... at 1:22 am writing.

I am a photographer to capture those moments that I never want to forget yet I cannot manage to get those moments while LIVING them at he same. Its so neat to see an outsider's perspective on your life. There are so many moments over the course of the past few years that I so I wish had a photo of. So many things that were so very amazing but passed by in fleeting moments. Those momemts will exist only in my mind and I so wish that I had something tangible because when I close my eyes they float by mind and bring tears .... We have spent a great deal of time collecting these moments but I am afraid that I will forget those minutes of our life that I hold so dear. I am afraid that the stress of life will wash then away. There were moments that I held so sacred I did not feel that I could disturb them with a photograph but now wish I had. That is why what I do is SO important. It is not a luxury. It is a necessity. I am not taking pictures... I am creating memories of moments that pass us by all too quickly.

There are things that I am already forgetting about my kids... like owen and his "owenisms" that he has now grown out of. Ross and his priceless drawing out of words that only have one syllable. And Kyleigh... there are so many with her that I cannot even count.


So for this last surgery (or what we hope will be the last surgery)... my dear friend Lisa Zanchi wil be coming to stay with us the night before the surgery. She will go with us to the hospital on the morning of the surgery and follow us through our day... from packing our bags to comforting my doped up baby after surgery. I want to see it from the outside. I want to remember every moment... every tear... every stress... every joy. The one thing that makes me sad is that this is not a Joe surgery. I wish that I had had Lisa come to one surgery of his... I mean jeez. We spent nearly an entire year in Joe's care and have realtively few pics of him and Ky together... that kind of makes me sad too.

I don't know why there is such an upheavel in me about this whole surgery... its not that my mommy radar is saying NO- STOP. I don't get that... but I have not felt THIS kind of anxiety and upheaval in my soul since the heart surgery. I was a little nervous but more excited about the PSARP. I was 100% confident about both the Closure and g-tube. I was not even nervous about them... I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that those were right. I could have defended those procedures and surgeons to the death... because I KNEW.

This time... I don't get that... I have a great uneasy feeling that is growing by the day. I am glad I have a busy weekend to keep me from lingering on this for too long.